Not Skilled to Understand

 Not Skilled to Understand

Me and Papa when I was almost 3. His lap was the safest, happiest place on this earth.

God's Greater Plan

As most of you know, I am a Christian. Though I have an amazing support system consisting of an amazing husband, huge family, and fabulous friends, my trust rests in God and God alone. However, I must admit that I often find myself questioning God's decisions. My salvation found me when I was 11 years old. I was a stubborn, rambunctious mess of a little girl; feisty, loud, opinionated and a little mean.  Even so, I wanted desperately to believe the miraculous stories my church family presented me, but I was a very logical kid. I found it difficult to grasp the idea of a God with grace and mercy; a God that cared about me... A God that sent His son to die for me. It sounded too good to be true. Shortly after giving my life to Christ, I felt God move in my life in a way I had never imagined, but it was not in a way I would have asked for. I was in the 6th grade when both of my maternal grandparents passed away within a few months of each other. It was a rough year for my family, to say the least. At the time, I felt that God had ripped my grandparents from me. It felt like He was trying to ruin my family. I was unable to fathom the idea of it being "their time to go" or a part of "God's greater plan," and was angered when people told me such things. But even in my anger, God continued to work on my heart and with time I saw that God was making my family stronger. Don't get me wrong, I still mourn the absence of my Granny and Papa. They died far too young and they have missed out on so much. If it was up to me, they would still be here; but, it is not up to me and over the years God has showed me over and over again that I am not in control.  God has never once given up on me, even though I have given up on him numerous times over the years. I suppose that brings us to the purpose of today's post. Once again, God has changed my plans. (He seems to get a kick out of it).

Not Skilled to Understand

I have spent the last few months transforming our home into a daycare. I have completed an absurd amount of paperwork, painted walls, disinfected toys, learned CPR, created a curriculum, and basically consumed myself with the task of becoming an excellent caregiver. Well, God had other plans.

Over Christmas break, I had a pretty rough cold. When it lasted more than a couple days we assumed it was the flu and thought little of it. Then in early January I started to get nose bleeds. At first it was just one. I have had them before, so I did not think much of it. But then it was two in one day, three in one day, 5 in one night, so on and so forth. Needless to say, I eventually called my doctor and we came to the conclusion that I am having an autoimmune response and need to focus on getting better. I have to take time now, so I can be healthy and happy later. If I put it off, it will only get worse. My sickness could be from food sensitivities (which we suspect), a naturally weak immune system, or a more complex autoimmune disease. We won't know which of these it is until I complete an "elimination diet" to hopefully discover foods that are causing my body grief. I will be posting about that daily once it begins. In the mean time, I want to leave you with a song that has been playing repeat in my mind:

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know that at His right hand
Is One Who is my Savior!
I take Him at His word indeed;
“Christ died for sinners”—this I read;
For in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Savior!
That He should leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die,
You count it strange? So once did I,
Before I knew my Savior!
And oh, that He fulfilled may see
The travail of His soul in me,
And with His work contented be,
As I with my dear Savior!
Yea, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this Spring;
That He Who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior!

I am not happy with what is going on in my body. I am not happy that I feel like I wasted a lot of time and effort preparing a daycare that will soon be childless. I am not happy that I have been a total grouch lately. And I am certainly not happy that my nose bleeds all the time. It is gross. I HATE it. But you know what? I do not have to be happy about any of this. I do not have to understand God's timing or His plan right now. I am not skilled to understand. However, I do understand that He loves me, and that He will NEVER forsake me. God has blessed me in ways that I could have never hoped for. His plan is better than mine, and I AM happy about that.  Now for your enjoyment:

1992. 7 and 4 years old and cute as can be.

God Bless

The Hunter's Wife