A Storm of Praise

A Storm of Praise: Because It is all I Have to Give

Have the circumstances of your life ever left you in a place where you could not decide if it was more appropriate to laugh or cry? Or perhaps all you could do was cry, but you are unsure if the tears are happy tears or tears of frustration? I think that is where I am at. Over the last year, one song has became a crutch for me. It has enabled me to lean on God so completely, that my own will has subsided to the far regions of my heart.

I Will Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns

"I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away..."

Let's flash back to April of 2012...

I had just started dating a handsome biologist named Russell, my Peace Corps preparations for Africa were coming along nicely, and a glistening cap and gown hung in the closet of my bedroom. Life was going even better than I had planned, and I had every reason to praise an amazing God. I was anticipating change, and ready for it!

Until God changed my life in a way that I never could have anticipated; a way that I certainly did not ask for. 

It all happened so fast. My life went from carefree, adventurous, and exciting to a fearful state of constant prayer.  In a week's time my life was forever changed. We learned that my older brother, Josh, was very, very sick and needed a risky operation to save his life. Josh had always been the healthy one. Unlike myself, he was rarely sick as a child so this was a surprise to us. He had been having some tummy issues so he decided to go get them checked out. By the grace of God the technician took the photo too high. His X Rays revealed a massive hole in his diaphragm and a chest cavity that was full of intestine. His heart and lungs were fighting for space and working so much harder than they should have been.  The doctors said he was born with it and it was a miracle that he was as healthy as he was. For 25 years my brother had lived with his insides jumbled around and without surgery he would die; his intestines would choke out his heart and crush his lungs.

I distinctively remember sitting anxiously at the Tech Ag Awards Banquet pleading silently with God. "He is my brother. He is a father. His children are just babies. He is only 25." I begged God all night to spare him. My best friend, Haylee, sat beside me all to aware of my worries. I had more than a million reasons why God needed to save Josh, but I also knew that God's reasons would always outweigh mine. The banquet should have been a happy time of fellowship; a time honoring accomplishments and a job well done. For me, there was nothing to celebrate; I was fighting every ounce of my being to not run out the door and straight to my family. Sweet laughter, friendly smiles, and the smell of smoked brisket and baked-beans surrounded me while my brother...my only brother... lay in a hospital bed surrounded by worried doctors and unanswered questions. What kind of a sister would eat brisket when her brother was so ill? I did not hear a word of the speeches that night. When the banquet ended visiting hours were over, and I felt like a failure of a sister.

Russell stayed up late with me that night to talk and calm my nerves. That was the moment I realized he was going to be there for me through this, and I was thankful. The day before the surgery, I took Russell over to meet Josh and Stephanie. I remember thinking, "If Josh does not make it, I need to know he met Russell." It was a short meeting, clouded with worry; but it was important to me.

Josh's surgery came and passed. It took longer than scheduled and he was left with a very impressive battle scar, but he was very much so alive. We all thanked God. He spent some time in the SICU healing, but everything went pretty well.

This is a few days after surgery. I could not make myself take a photo any sooner.

His incision a week after surgery

A lot has changed over the last year and a half. A lot of good things. My life has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined, yet there is a constant tug of sorrow that weighs on my heart. Josh's health has been one disappointment after another. He has permanent nerve damage caused from the massive incision that was made to save his life, and he is constantly fighting one sickness after another. It breaks our hearts to see him unable to fully enjoy these precious years with his children. Please do not get me wrong, I am so thankful for the blessings in my life; for my family and husband, for all the changed plans, for all of our amazing blessings. But I am still a little angry, and a little confused. Why has God chosen to not heal my brother? What could he possibly be waiting for? "Can't He hear our cries?"

 All too often my brother's smiles are hazy, cloaking pain he wishes he could hide better. His spunky attitude and courageous heart are fading, but he IS still smiling. We all know he is tired and we are too. We miss him, yet we dare not complain because we know we could have lost him.

Who am I to say that what God has done for us is not enough?

Does the fact that God has not chosen to answer my prayers in the way I would like make Him any less of a God? No. Not at all. Perhaps God has a plan for my family that I am not skilled to see. Nonetheless, I will continue to flood the gates of Heaven with prayer after prayer after prayer.

I know God will grant complete healing to my brother and my family. I come to Him with expectations; but, also with the understanding that the healing will be in His time and His way. Until then, I will pray without ceasing and I will thank God for all He has done for us. I cannot offer the absolute, cheerful, light-hearted prayers that I once did; but I know God sees beauty in this storm of praise.

What about you? Do you have a battle that you feel God is taking too long to fight, or maybe God has blessed you with unanswered prayers? I just hope and pray that God will give us all the wisdom to see His blessings and to trust in His timing and will.  Now, to brighten your day.....

My perfect niece

My kind-hearted nephew

God Bless :)

The Hunter's Wife